All is Lost

My mom died almost a month ago. The hardest part was to watch her suffer. She had a bad cough because the cancer was in her lungs. Since I only experienced her sickness through her, I can only tell you second-hand that she wasn’t at peace.

She worried about my relationship with my sister because we were arguing a few weeks prior to her death. She worried about Jordan and his well-being with his dad. She worried about me leaving Christian at the house alone with the health aide. She worried about the funeral plans. She worried because she had no control.

When she was able, I don’t think she didn’t enjoy life. Yes, she had a nice house, but I’m not sure if she enjoyed it. She was so concerned about it being immaculate, that she wouldn’t lay on her own bed and watch tv. She yelled at me and Christian for sitting on her bed last year (and let me tell you, I was so comfortable on her bed watching tv). It was when she was really really sick, she decided to lay on it. Everyone who came into her house always commented on how lovely her house was. Mom had about six comforters for her bed.

She had about 60 wine glasses, with most of them being crystal, and she didn’t drink. Although she did use them on special occasions and filled them with iced tea or sparkling juice.

She enjoyed her garden outside, until she got too sick and feared that the mosquitos were carrying a virus that would make her more sick.

I guess she feared life and change.

I have a friend with lupus that travels when the opportunity hits her. I think it’s a great thing because she is enjoying life. My mom couldn’t believe that she was traveling and thought she was crazy! I applauded her, however.

I regret that we were not close. It was a hard lesson learned that we would never be and the only thing I can do now is have a great relationship with my family. 🙂


All is Lost

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